dust bunnies.

 my mother is sleeping in a hospital bed tonight. i am 8000 kilometers away but i inflated my air mattress, took a scratchy pillow and blanket, and made my bed in a cold corner of my room. some sort of symbolic act that will not mean anything to anyone but me. i won't sleep in my own bed when my mother isn't sleeping in hers. 

i also needed a little change. i was close to breaking tonight, losing progress on something i've worked extremely hard on for 2 years, but i thought about my mother in her hospital bed and my father alone in his, and thought it would be only fitting if i felt equally empty. so i'm holding onto this ache, i'm letting myself burn up inside instead of burying it all under physical, digestible pain. this is all there is at the end of the day. i see it now. this is all that is really there for me.