ache.

on days like this, i start thinking "maybe this is how it will be from now on"

"maybe it doesn't get better. maybe i'm wrong. maybe i'm being sort of foolish for still hoping"

i don't know. i know i sound like a tumblr blog from 2012 but on days like this, that's okay. i'm allowed this much. 

there's very little that feels worse than receiving news that was supposed to make you feel incredibly happy only for it to fall flat. no relief, no satisfaction. it feels a little like- who am i to ask the universe for good things when i can't appreciate them happening to me? 

but if i can't appreciate it, is it a good thing at all? 

i was sat at my desk a little while ago, and a song i loved a couple years ago started playing. normally, i don't feel much nostalgia from music considering i wrung all emotion out of it a long long time ago- but today, i had to stop what i was doing and just listen for a little while. even the lowest moments i had back when i loved the song felt preferable to now. 

growing up hurts, i think. it hurts more than the migraine that's been bouncing around my head the past couple days, like those old windows screensavers. it's scarier than the first horror film i had ever seen. it's more uncomfortable than the nausea brewing in the pit of my stomach. when i was a kid, my parents had always told me "when you grow up, you're never going to stop complaining about wanting to leave. you won't be able to wait for the day you can move out and live alone. you'll be ready"

i never believed them back then. i don't believe it now. i constantly think about freezing certain moments in amber, life-sized, and spending the rest of my days in these capsules. i take pictures and videos of the most mundane moments now- my desk on a messy day, the sunlight leaking out my blinds in the mornings, my parents and i having breakfast together, watching a movie in my room- almost as if this life is ending. 

it feels that way sometimes, like it is ending, this life in particular. i'm never going to be the person i am today again. i'm never getting my childhood back. and it feels heavy. i'm looking forward to being 35 because i know at that age, i surely surely must have established a certain life. no more uncertainties that will rule my path. it'll be my own life still, just not this one. 

it's 6:30am. i haven't slept yet. i can't decide if i want to spend all my time awake or asleep. i'm constantly tired awake yet i feel like i'm wasting time asleep. when i'm awake, all i want is to go to sleep. when i'm asleep, my dreams jolt me awake. and as edgy as that sounds i can't bring myself to care. 

i can't bring myself to care. 

update is an ugly word pt.4.

contrary to my own expectations, i happen to still be here. i didn't think i would be. i did not want to be- but that's changing slowly. in short, i'm 18 now and it's been nearly two years since i've written here. 

i've been thinking about getting back to writing here a lot lately. not because i seek to entertain, no one reads these and i am glad for it, but because things are changing again and nothing i have been through so far can compare. i'm scared, genuinely scared. 

i was reading all my posts from when i had shifted to a new school back in 2019. i can tell, this far into the future, that i was reasonably scared. so i was wondering if i were to write here again, would 20 year old me find this and remember what went through his mind in clear detail? but to be honest, i'm not sure if this is something i'd want to remember on the off chance that i forget in the first place. i'm being vague on purpose because putting everything in words sounds sort of pyrrhic- i'd have a clear record, sure, but it will leave me far more lost at the end of it and i can barely find my footing now anyway. 

but i'm a sucker for punishment so let's talk (to myself). i've been in a happy relationship for a little over a year now. i graduated school six months ago. i took a gap year so i start university only next year. i move in a month. then i move again approximately seven months after that. i've never moved houses, and i'm a bit sentimental about things. maybe that's an understatement seeing as how i refuse to draw my blinds open anymore simply because all the plants i grew up seeing out my window have now been shifted to someone else's care. looking at the empty balcony makes my heart clench a bit, except the pressure never releases. i'm scared if i look outside the balcony too much, if i keep dwelling on all the little changes, the grip on my heart will only get tighter and tighter until there is a little explosion inside my ribcage. 

a very red fireworks show. 

my phone stopped working today seemingly out of nowhere. i'm not too upset because everything is backed up but i find it a little funny, considering i'm currently struggling letting go of things i am attached to. it's alright though, it's alright. like how my aim last year was to be more honest with myself and to others, this year's was to find little happinesses no matter what. to cultivate patience. to find peace in the shortest moments. it was a very good call of past me- if i hadn't learnt to look a little harder for good things, i'm not sure how i'd have dealt with this year. 

yes, 2021. it has been the fastest year of my life so far. i had good moments, i had bad ones too. i don't mind it, i learnt something everytime. i learnt i'm more scared of never finding peace than i'm scared of never being content. i learnt patience really is key and it's not some cheesy saying made up by some guy who was taking too long returning a favor. patience is key. i've been told i'm deluding myself into thinking things shall always work out but i cannot afford to care about whether this patience is a delusion or not- as long as i have it, i will find peace. i will have moments within a day where i'm sitting with my laptop watching a random show and i'm having a couple biscuits, and i'm hit with a sweet calmness. 

it feels like i've been on my toes since march this year, always waiting for the other shoe to drop. perhaps i thought the shoe dropped a couple times as well and just when i was letting go of the tension, i find out it was a false alarm. just continuous false alarms. sirens beeping and booping around the clock and there's no off switch. sometimes i imagine the day the other shoe does drop, despite it being good or bad for me, i will faint in relief because it will be over. 

but even i know that's a delusion for sure. it's never over. it will never be over. 

there's a lot i want to say. suddenly two years worth of words i've been stuffing down into myself wants to spill out. sadly my wrists are weak and i cannot continue typing- for my own sake, and maybe yours if the whining was getting a bit much. 

maybe it'll be another two years again when i write the next post, maybe it'll only be a couple days. i'm not in charge of my life anymore. my life is in charge of me.