benzo buzz.

sometimes, things just work out in a way that you never really expected it to. maybe you're not particularly happy with the outcome, but it's an outcome anyway. none of this is particularly profound but while coming back from school, i felt calmer than i've felt in all of november and the things that led to my newfound peace weren't that pleasant but i'm glad they happened anyway.

as for not being able to keep up with the daily challenge, i forgot how rough novembers get. at least this year, winter decided to settle in early so its already dropping below 15°! and the cold does wonders for grief!

also i think im developing a strong dependency on my medicines which is not good for my already weird state of mind. 

its starting to feel more like a benzo bummer.

twirling.

my only achievement today was learning how to twirl a pen. 

my next step will be a coin. 

sadly i'm not in the mental state to come up with something pretentious enough for this blog so this is a true filler! 

have a lovely day. 

situation vacant.

post vacant: looking for humanity.

minimum salary: two eggos.

contact by 4am.  

plot twist.

if i were to say i didn't feel like i was imploding last night, i'd be lying.

truth is, i haven't felt hurt that intensely since maybe last year but it's starting to feel like emotions that knock me back into place is a reoccurring theme every november and december. 

suffice it to say, i did not have a good night. 

for what reasons, i can't explicitly say but i may just have to get "distance" tattooed somewhere i can read it easily. consolation, i realized, is such utter nonsense. 

what is consolation compared to the truth of the matter? consolation is a safety net maybe, a little way to numb the after-effects but god, it's such nonsense. 

all of it is. 

someone else.

if i were to switch us around, i'd be scared.

what are all of those papers for? 

is there something on my face?

maybe you don't mean to, but it's not hard to be mean-spirited. 

a little mismatch of words, a misstep in conversation- an allusion to an underlying truth. 

there's forty four lines to say and i'm part of thirty 

so i've hidden the rest in my suit. 

talking of suits, i can see you tomorrow

maybe i'll sit a little away, i'll take off my glasses and blur everything in between 

tapping feet, warm seats- a classroom has never felt this cold  

appetite.

i'm too exhausted to wax poetic about something ordinary that happened today but i did figure out how deeply rooted my jealousy issues are today and i really should work on it. 

life is short. kiss their hand if you want to. 

a guide to feeling better.

-you're allowed to feel bitter

-you're allowed to feel angry about feeling bitter

-maybe stare at the wall catatonically, like an avant garde model. 

-pride is subjective.

-go to sleep, everything's easier in the mornings. 

telltale signs youre in love.

-looking at them for more than a few seconds is near impossible.

-there are voices everywhere. you dont hear them.

-sometimes, you'll look up. you'll meet their eyes and you cant help wondering how long they've been looking at you. 

-the room is dipped in ochre. they walk in and laburnums seep through the walls. 

-you won't cough up flowers. blood is more likely.

-god, when did your pulse get so loud?

glitter.

it would have been wise of me to line up a few drafts for the nights i feel particularly sleepy but as i've proved time and again, i am the farthest thing from wise and i must derive some subconscious pleasure from challenging myself to such odd lengths; seeing as i have barely had the time nor the motivation to upload a post more than once or twice a month.

i was hoping i'd turn the tides with november.

regardless, today was a very good day. i saw a few of my friends and had no homework to complete (or i like to tell myself that) so apart from an ache splitting up the left half of me, i was pretty relaxed all day- a very pleasant change from the run of the mill stress we encounter daily.

its all about the silver linings, i guess.
im clocking out for another 24 hours.

a different kind of trap.

recovery is a scary process.

i knew a person who was afflicted with the same illness- same medicine, same psychiatrist, same situation. after he shifted out of the country he seemingly got better, his social media came back to life again and conversations with him didnt feel so heavy anymore.

it took around two years for him, of which one was spent trying to pass out of highschool and the other, trying to get admission into colleges. i was in ninth grade at the time, two months into my course and i wondered if it would go that way for me too

two years later and things are falling into place!

matter of fact is nothing is as easy as it looks and even though it sounds like utter nonsense, sometimes recovery is almost harder than living with the illness itself. 

oddities.

time has never felt as unreal as it does now.

it seems like i should be used to the flow of time by now; after all, i have been around for sixteen years doing various things that perhaps contributed to the shaping of my subsequent years but the years start coming and they dont stop coming after all.

the last twenty days have been particularly weird. i've done so little yet so much? in other words, if i were to expel the same amount of energy i've expelled during these few days on homework, i would've finished a month's worth of sociology questions (to scale, that is q u i t e a few math problems)

maybe in some twisted way, i am used to it; my tolerance for the elasticity of time just changes occasionally (however time is not elastic- only our perception of it is- it is a measurable, fixed entity, the only thing making it elastic is my very primitive limbic system. that is not to say the limbic system controls the perception of time, it simply controls my emotions that influence my perception of time. does the day not feel longer when you're miserable?)

but all i mean to say is i've watched way too many of ilyx's videos today and i'm grasping for straws. 

non-commital nanowrimo.

have i gone a little bit mad to think i can pull off writing a post every day of november? 

perhaps.

its only the first day and im cutting it close with ten minutes to spare. hopefully, this month won't be as stressful as every other but this could also be a classic case of famous last words. 

speaking of famous last words, my only source of amusement this weekend has been seeing all of the ex-alternative people who have long since grown out of their emo phase absolutely losing it over my chemical romance's unexpected reunion. to be fair, i was a little shocked myself. one of the artists i follow on instagram dug out an mcr tee from her middle school days just to actualize her nostalgia. it was sweet. 

another person started posting a slew of frank iero sketches mere minutes after the original reunion post went up. i also spent a solid hour reading through the comments under that post; there was some dark stuff in there.

5 minutes to go till the second day!

i have officially pledged myself into this challenge. 

hope everyone had a fun halloween.