update is an ugly word.

"what's past is prologue"
          -william shakespeare, the tempest

can i be informal
i will be informal

last two weeks have been pretty great. today was rough but that's okay. a lot of people from my new school have seen this blog and i feel like there's something symbolic in that. nobody from my last school knew about this site.

endgame was good. not as sad as i thought it would be but i'm glad things went the way they did.

i haven't felt like writing in a while. so i'll see you all later. 

thought.

"ants shape each others behavior by exchanging chemicals. we do it by standing in front of each other, peering into each others eyes,  waving our hands and emitting strange sounds from our mouths. human to human."
            -chris j. anderson



you can stand in front of hundreds of people and recite a sonnet with perfect adherence to iambic pentameter but what's the payoff? maybe the feelings you've tied to those fourteen lines are monumental, they've carved the course of your life. but when you're standing there, words spilling out and hands gesturing midair, what's the payoff if nobody else perceives the emotion you're trying to convey?

in the second week of december, my psychiatrist scheduled my next appointment for april 10th. i considered it as a sort of checkpoint; a way to identify the first turning point in my life despite having several other reminders of my newly born displacement here and there. back then, april 10th seemed so far away. as march came to a close, i was still waiting for reality to set in. the moment has arrived. i've finally cut my hair, i've shifted schools, i've cut a few people off and i've resolved to change the way i look at things. the moment really has arrived.

if my life was a stage and the way i stumble through the different challenges shooting at me was my performance, then i haven't done a very successful job in translating my actions to whoever's judging me. where's my little placard showing me my score so far? have my weekly show and tells in primary school not paid off? if television depictions of horse racing are anything to go by then i should've been aware by now of how fortunate the bets i placed are. there's no payoff.

people can spit out their philosophy to me and i can surely dredge my way through them but at the end of it, i would be knee deep in filth and have nothing but a handful of good ideas. no payoff, just more application.