prozac poop-out.

"he wondered about himself (whether he was broken or special or better or worse)"
                                   -victoria schwab, vicious (villans #1)


im writing this on my phone so im not sure if it'll format the same but anyway, its midnight on a school night and tomorrow is kind of my personal judgment day. of course there will be bigger judgments in march and june, but for now tomorrow seems like a big enough to hurdle to cross.

i am, by no means, a weak student but there's something so incredibly terrifying about getting back exam results. im not sure how to fall asleep tonight. i wake up in five hours as well.
i went through all the effort of logging onto my blogger account on my phone just to vent a little i guess, this has become my corner where im almost anonymous. anonymity is comforting.

im listening to rm's mixtape on repeat just hoping itll calm my nerves. it seems kind of futile though, as im lying down in the dark, the restlessness is creeping back and i know its gonna be one of those nights again.

i have half a mind to stay up and get through tomorrow on the verge of collapsing; i wont be conscious enough to register whats happening. but then again, i dont have that kind of willpower.

lately ive been noticing some kind of return of all of my symptoms; i cant sleep, im binging on the most unhealthy food, and im so so disinterested in everything again. i cant even be bothered to make conversation with anyone. where did the spark go?
i dont even feel like sounding vaguely fancy- and that's saying something because  i always strive to be the most pretentious and annoying as i can be while writing. hence the title. i think its happening to me.

who'd have thought it'd happen exactly after a year? salipax, you break my heart. 

tangential thoughts.

"vengeance was one hell of a roommate"
                -j.r ward, dark lover

in scotland, circa 2006, a boy sat in his dorm room with the neck of his t-shirt between his lips with a notebook in his lap writing "mom, weed is awesome, im so sorry"

"im gonna come back now. im so sorry. i think its getting to me. i thought it wasnt, i swear it wasnt. i cant stay here now- have you seen the weather? gloomy as shit. the girls are all covered up too"

twelve years later, a girl sat in front of a doctor, neck of her t-shirt between her lips, trying to choke out words that made sense. he said its genetics.

"probably genetics?
''no,definitely genetics"

god, you little addict. you did this to me. 

conversations with a wannabe engineer.

"whether or not it is clear to you, 

no doubt the universe is expanding.

as it should"

    -max ehrmann, desiderata:a poem for a way of life

"of course, things are relatively different, but the real question is why do you do the things you do? why do you get up in the morning? things like that. they make you who you are, what you believe in"

"you never really have a concrete reason for getting up in the mornings, at least i dont, i guess looking for little things is enough sometimes"

"you can't really look at things with a big picture at all times. just imagine looking at a complex 3d structure and try to remember it. i doubt anyone can do that"

"the real geniuses can i guess, their brains are just wired that way"

"not really, at times, they are much more like us, i believe that they just happen to see the world differently, just like literature or anime. again, it's our free will and thought to look at things in a particular way"

"you ever heard of determinism?"

"no, i haven't. i also believe at the same time that equality doesnt exist in this world, at least not in the way i want it"

"read about it, i feel like thats the way the world works sometimes. the world sucks in that aspect, nothing is fair to anyone"

"equality in reality would involve limiting those who found an advantage in a system and exploited it, in fact, i believe that the ones with a disadvantage should go about using the innovation developed"

"yeah exactly, like mario kart. i feel like the world just wont progress until the lowest of the low get the rights others have and with the way the world's going, i doubt that's gonna happen anytime soon"

"just take economic inequality for example, those who earn a lot have done so at the expense of hard work. just tell me how do you expect them to go around accepting a reduced salary. that's practically selective slavery with no bonds"

clutching.

"but safety-like light-is a facade"

             -c.j roberts, captive in the dark

when i'm alone and the lights are off, there's something that makes my hands so restless that it could crush bones. i can't lie still without moving my legs every few seconds and while restless legs syndrome is still incurable, there's something to be said about falling asleep every night drenched in sweat with your duvet wrapped tight around you because that's your only solace in that dark, dark room.  

the overarching theory.

"i keep turning over new leaves and spoiling them,as i used to spoil my copybooks; and i make so many beginnings there will never be an end"

         -louisa may alcott, little women. 

it doesn't matter what you've done in the past 24 hours when what you're feeling starts becoming tangible. i don't know how it happens, sometimes you're lying down and it takes the shape of messed up sheets. or it could ruin your skin. sometimes it means pulling yourself up and washing away the thin layer of grime that's been stuck to your face for hours. in whichever form it manifests, there's no amount of distraction that can cover up the fact that things are slowly but surely changing. 

transitions are never easy. i remember, in eighth grade, i was sick of my frameless glasses so i switched to this chic pair of versace frames that have gold plating on the sides. i loved it. my friends told me i looked much better. but when i walked into class the next day, wearing different glasses for the first time, people laughed. 

"oh my god, why are you wearing nerd glasses?''

"hahahah you look really stupid"

but it was whatever, i needed a change. my classmates got used to my newer and bigger spectacles eventually and there were no more than left handed compliments every once in a while. i didn't mind it. 

but now, the change isn't material. it's like everything familiar has now been uprooted like the trees on my street and thrown about. i close my eyes and there are flashes of fear; fear of the unknown, of the untried, of the future. every night i switch off one of my fairylights before going to sleep, and it triggers an immediate reaction; there's just an unrelenting flow of doubt and hesitance but no matter how much i want things to stay the way they are, things will change soon. 

and there's nothing i can do other than to accept it.