the hadopelagic zone.

"i see dead people"
              -the sixth sense, 1999


climate change. what a hoot, yeah?

that's not what this post is about. i'm not qualified to talk about the fancy things like the ipcc graphs but i do know that having storms bad enough to flood districts in a country where the average temperate is hot enough to boil alcohol is not normal.

it's thundering at this very moment, and as someone with 90% ego, 10% humility, it's not easy for me to say i cannot handle thunder. everything about it chills me to the very bone. it scrapes away at my skin, layer by layer, stretches out the veins and pierces fear through down to my marrow. and as practical as it would normally is, music isn't helping. i know it's thundering. and just that mere awareness is not letting me rest easy.

i'm thinking about the euthanasia coaster. in specific, i'm thinking about g-force induced loss of consciousness(g-loc). aerospace physiology is not something i'm really into but this concept blows my mind.
if you've read all the bright places, you know what i mean. the euthanasia coaster uses sustained extreme g-force to drain the blood from your brain which causes your brain to ''suffocate'' which leads to euphoria. then loss of consciousness. then you die.

or so they say.

it might just cause you extreme nausea but that's something most soon-to-be mothers go through every morning as well. sure, the roller coaster hasn't been built yet but lately i've been feeling like i'm on my own euthanasia coaster. and perhaps i'm on the last few loops.

there are ten loops in total.
each a stage closer to fatality

pilots go through a few seconds of alleged euphoria during flight but it's never long enough to cause sustained damage. gravity is deadly. i came across a site in the evening that demonstrates how gravity influences the space-time warp and i'm beginning to think i was wrong when i said months ago that i want to exist without wondering about the consequences.

when you slip into the seat of the one car the euthanasia coaster has, you're really just thinking about the journey ahead. when you turn into the first vertical loop, the first g-force hits you. you're still thinking about the journey ahead. second loop, third loop, fourth loop, suddenly there's no more journey ahead.

but who knows if you're really gonna spend your last few moments suspended in raw euphoria or just plain run-of-the-mill nausea?

colour.

"to live is to keep moving"
               -jerry seinfeld



the colour palette for winter never matched the desert country. the backdrop's red but the grey comes in, weaving itself into the periphery of every scenery you set your eyes on. it clashes. but who cares if it clashes? the grey doesn't turn up on camera- it's far too faint- and as long as it doesn't ruin your pictures, who cares?

6:32pm. halfway through a 5 mile run. the sun is setting. it's 10 degrees according to the temperature tower but it feels like 6. there's a cat on one of the rocks overlooking the sea. she doesn't jump, she won't.

a lamppost flickers on and suddenly every dust particle in the world resides between those oscillating beams of light. dead skin. that's what they are. decay and dirt; and that's all you can focus on for the next few minutes.

your socks are slipping closer towards your ankles and your shoelaces are coming undone. your slicked back hair is now just slick with sweat. there are kids a decade younger than you cycling around. their bikes have wheels that light up different colors and handlebars that could serve as a personal disco ball for the nights you spend alone. all you have are worn out shoes and hair that insists on entering your mouth every time you part your lips to gulp in air. you have never felt this helpless.

the sky is dark. it's not going to turn into the ultramarine hue you wanted your bedroom to be when you were six years old. the peripheral grey just gets harsher by the minute. so you tie your shoelaces and keep moving.

apartment therapy.

"find yourself a cup of tea, the teapot is behind you. now tell me about hundreds of things"
                                    -saki


walmart sells those little fluffy blankets for 9 dollars. i'm on the other side of the world where walmart and target are nothing but stores we hear about online. i want those little fluffy blankets and 9 dollars isn't a huge sum of money. i want them.

it's been cold here lately, i.e it's 27 degrees celsius which is an all-time-low compared to the temperatures of the last five months. cyclic tests start in eight days and i'm not sure about how prepared i am. i mean, i'm definitely a bit more prepared than i was last time but a direct strike to my confidence a month ago has left me reeling in shock. it happens, i guess. luckily the previous round of exams wasn't counted for our final grade. 

this was a little check-in i guess. i haven't slept enough to write something more.