passport.

"i loved history because to me, history was like watching a movie"
                                         -quentin tarantino



"do you believe in god?'

''kind of, why?''

''pray for me baby, i'm struggling" 

white eyelash.

"i crave the stain
of tears, the aftermark
of almost too much love,
the sweet of bitter bark
and burning clove"
          -robert frost, to earthward



21.12.16

i could imagine myself falling in love.
i could see myself counting down the seconds until i see someone again. just maybe i could give away everything for someone.

i don't see it happening anytime soon. two years? three? whenever it happens, i probably won't act on it. i can see it ending before it even started. i can't start something if i won't let myself give into it. but someday, i'd like to give into it. i'd like to be honest with someone. i'd like to talk to someone for hours on end and end it on the note of talking to them again.

i dont know when.
but i can admit i wouldn't mind it.


9.8.18

two years. i guessed it right.
and wow.

wow.

cacophony.

"first the mania for confession,
then the mania for clarity"
                                 -pier paolo pasolini


exam season is drawing real near. the stress is starting to manifest itself on my face.
so we're three days in and i have held up to all of the resolutions i had made for this month. that's a fairly good sign. i have this habit of writing things i wanna do at the turn of a new month on scraps of paper and then losing them. i guess i lose the will for doing them the moment i lose the paper.

not this month.

although i can't say that i'm really keen on it. i'm kinda holding myself to a much stricter discipline than i used to. i'm up by 5am which is an hour earlier than i'm used to, and i force myself to wrap up all of my work- school or otherwise- by 10pm. my schedule isn't very interesting. it's a whole lot of stress and lack of motivation, i'll tell you that. but anyway, with 11 hours of school eating away 3/4th of the day, i'm left with four spare hours between coming back from school and trying to switch off before 10pm.

lately what's been happening is that all of those four hours are spent in studying for (really pointless) revisions and doing my own set of exam notes. there's honestly barely any time to do things for yourself and it's not just me, it's apparently the case for nearly everybody i know. yeah, the people who genuinely don't do anything is a different scenario but when it comes to the people that give the tiniest bit of a shit, there's nothing you're really doing other than writing and writing and writing.
there's some intense memorization somewhere within there.


my point is,,that there is no point. for real. i can't even be bothered to sound vaguely coherent in these posts anymore, i'm just that lackluster.
i can try as hard as i capable of to complete my work ahead of time but nothing will stop the stress that comes with year 11. and there is no way in hell you can escape late nights. my camera roll is nothing but midterm portions and mark schemes and answers to important questions and i can feel a little twinge of panic every time i look at those screenshots.

overall, it's quite unhealthy.
the second semester is never nice though, and it hasn't been for the past ten years.
this year wasn't about to be any different either, i guess

what about next year?

(lowkey just ranted. i'll come up w/ something mildly entertaining tomorrow) 

analysis.

"our team is good at getting dressed real quick,because we're the type of team that wears their uniforms all day"
                  -jim carroll


just because it's written in words doesn't mean it's a law of the institution.that's probably the only real thing i've learnt over the past two years. who cares if it's written in the almanac that you can't assign more than three subjects worth of homework each day? let's just throw all the damn subjects at those lil pathetic students.

yes. i'm kinda bitter.
i'm also mostly coffee fueled right now so i probably shouldn't be writing this either but from the top 15 countries the audience of this blog is from, the country i live in is just the twelfth, so i'm sure those living in peru or bulgaria won't particularly bother me about sounding slightly loopy.

i've started to sleep a lot earlier nowadays. i've been following this new schedule the last week and a half and so far, everything's become a lot nicer. it's like early bedtimes are the equivalent of pastel filters over an otherwise mediocre picture (don't use filters that enhance the purple in your photos. keep the exposure below 90% and please, for the love of god, stop thinking clarendon is the go-to filter for every damn picture on instagram. it's a pet peeve of mine)

it's the second day of september and once i strip away the painful coughs and the stress thrown at us everyday, it's not been as bad as i thought the first few days back to school would be.i think i said this in the last post as well but honestly, i've never coped as well with work as i've been coping the last week.

i hope that keeps up.

9:45pm. lets wind up.

sound.

"punch, of course"

"of course? i thought he was dead!"

"he's only pretending, to teach her a lesson- 

only--only, he is dead, peter. i saw him-- he's not pretending. 

somebody threw him off a train" 

                                                       -reggie and peter, charade (1963)

since i was gone for almost the whole of last month, i've decided to ease my guilty conscience by writing every day of this month. or at least, nearly every day of this month. 

the first midterms of 10th grade//year 11 start in two weeks, and i may be a little petrified. i spent the last three days sick in bed so i'm not entitled to say that this month has been off to the best start. but on the flipside, i'm getting better and the first week back to school hasn't been as bad as i thought it would be. 

i can't bring myself to write anymore. i'll build up eventually.