stagnancy.

"the half life of love is forever''
                     -junot diaz, this is how you lose her


learning from your mistakes is one thing, giving into sleep is another. i learnt yesterday that taking a four hour nap in the middle of the day brings you a restless night. i saw the sunrise again, the sky gets a lot bluer than i thought.

i have a week or two left until school reopens. in a way, i'm handling it better than i did last year. i'm not sure if i'm dreading it or looking at it like it's a necessary evil; which i'm sure it is. i have a few more months left in this high school then i'm out- off to a new place where i get to focus on the things that i actually want to focus on.

between eight flights in twenty days, i've been craving to move. just move. go anywhere, do anything but i don't wanna stay stagnant. but that's the thing, i need to stay stagnant until i'm done with school- and that's okay. i understand the way things go now, and if staying put is what it takes so be it.

nobody's necessarily happy in august.

                                         

underwhelm.

"but in my arms she was always lolita"
                         -vladimir nobokov



was there a precursor?

maybe before anger took its shelter within all our syllables, before we had to tuck our tongue behind our teeth-  don't yell, don't yell- it was probably before november 29th. i would believe you, trust me i would, i would listen to you, bare my soul out, i would take everything you said with nothing less than a morsel of doubt. but it's august now. autumn is setting and it's only two months away from november. you're a year too late.

if i had said what i needed to say few days before november 29th, you wouldn't have had to feel that way. you wouldn't have had to stare at your hands, lip between your teeth, skin peeling off your cheeks, and wonder the things you're wondering now. time is a killer. i said i was resilient. i am, i know i am. after five years of picking out the shrapnel out of places i hadn't thought they would have been in, it's the one thing i can say without a little voice piping up saying 'it's not good enough' 

i'm not good enough. you're not good enough. nothing's good enough; what's the basic law of evolution? get better, there's a flaw within you- a pesky little thing within the strands of our dna-the reason we will be wiped out- the reason we have been wiped out five times before. we're not good enough. stop trying to be.

i wish you hadn't told me that. i was content believing i had redeemed myself. but it's back; that onslaught of 'it's not good enough'. it's never going to be good enough, can't you see that? there's a fundamental flaw within my character, i know that, i know i won't accept what you say. i know everything i say is slightly airbrushed, i know there's an icy chill in my wake, i'm aware. i'm painfully aware.

i know evolution leaves no one behind. it won't leave me behind.