dark matter.

"i do desire we may be better strangers"
                     -william shakespeare, as you like it



you're a stranger. you're always gonna be a stranger. maybe out of every label we stick on ourselves, a stranger is something that remains constant.

i don't know you. most people don't know you. sometimes you don't know yourself.
you're a stranger to someone. in lieu of waxing lyrical, you're also a stranger to the people of your past. who knows you? who will know you? will it stay constant?

i saw hundreds of people yesterday, i noticed the ones with earphones in. whenever i go somewhere, i tend to look for people that have earphones in; maybe i get a sense of solace seeing it, i never step out of the house with my earphones in.

i wondered what each of them were listening to, if they were even listening to anything at all.

each and everyone of you are what brought about a change of events (don't convince me determinism isn't real). you're no stranger to the universe, you're a stranger to what makes the universe up.

on the other hand, where did june go?

impetigo.

"even salt looks like sugar"
                                -narges obaid



i don't think there's anything more complicated than trust. it's relative, isn't it?

i had a conversation with someone i really care about today; i tried to say that even though i trust them, i'm scared to. it's confusing; i can't think about it clearly myself but it is what it is.

(hi there. you mean everything to me)

i think i assume a bit too much, i need to stop that. 

thank you davis.

"it's no use going back to yesterday, i was a different person then"
                                                               -lewis carroll


maybe i'm ripping off of john green here but there's something to be said about when you beg to be left alone and when you're finally left being, it turns out you're terrible company.

i don't really have to say anymore. unpack that yourself. 

kitchen counters.

"by convention sweet, by convention bitter"
                                           -democritus


i've written, erased, written, erased, written, erased over four times and i still can't quite find the words that pinpoint the emotion i'm feeling.

it's not bittersweet, more sweet than bitter. but bittersweet, nonetheless.
it's not indifference, it's closer to ambivalence.

it's a hollow victory.

i felt like it was only right to acknowledge this "occasion". i don't know if the person in context still sees this site or not but it doesn't matter. i'm saying this to the binary world of electronics where there's no emotion. no judgment, where there's nothing but zeroes and ones.
i'm talking to myself.

i want to write an open letter to the person in context, as if it would be my last words or something just as final as that to them. but i left it on a rather impersonal note therefore i won't change that and leave it impersonal. well, as impersonal as it can get, at least.

i didn't know how i'd feel once it struck midnight here. i don't feel all too bad, i feel the way i've been feeling ever since school closed. i'm feeling indisposed. averse. spent. whatever floats your boat.

honestly, i'm fairly certain i'm going to wake up later today and go about my daily routine. and that's only fitting. none of it ever affected my physical life even when everything went down. mentally? not much, i just became a lot less trusting. but i guess that was to come anyway.

my goodnights have become longer. before, it used to be just "goodnight, i love you"
now, i put effort into it.
its nice. more fulfilling.

things turned out for the best.

finite.

"from someone who doesn't want to share your destiny, you should neither accept a cigarette"
                                                                          -cesare pavese



1. appreciate.
2. keep distant.
3. they don't care. not about you. not about anything other than themselves.
4. write.
5. start.
6. shut up and suck it up.
7. seek.
8. don't chase after people. it's never worth it. you are your own person.
9. stop. wait a minute. then continue.
10. it will end eventually.


nothing is forever.

wood pulp.

"and lead pencil markings endure longer than memory"
                                           -jack london



i wish i wrote it down.

those thoughts that had the potential to become something big, those moments that burrow its way to the frontline of your subconscious, the little things you catch in your periphery that seem out of place but they're there. 

but i never do.

i bought a set of pens and a journal yesterday. i thought i'd use it religiously, trust it more than i trust my own gray matter but i woke up today not knowing why i should take time out of my nights to scribble in something that won't be remembered.

i guess that's something i struggle with; the fact that everything i do, or anyone does, will eventually be forgotten. we're all here documenting history,  filming miracles but what purpose does it serve in the long run when everything's dead and dying and the last chocolate bar has expired?

maybe i'll write in it eventually. or maybe not.
it might collect dust along with the fifty something odd diaries that are collecting dust in my cabinets right now.

i should look into recycling them.  

the dewey decimal system.

"i have measured out my life with coffee spoons"
                          -t.s eliot


living in doses.
i'm sick of doing that.

there's not much i want to say today. i felt like doing something so i'm doing this.
i feel like this spell of being vague is gonna last quite a while.

making tea is quite an ordeal.
of course, lately i've been opting for the lazy route with the teabags instead of going all the way to fourth base with tea leaves. you know what i mean.

we measure everything; measure how much water goes into a cup, measure how many spoons of honey are sweet enough, measure how many stacks of money make you rich enough, measure how much beauty is enough, we measure like there's nothing else we can do.

why is quantity a concept?

avalanche.

"i don't even know what i was running for- i guess i just felt like it"
                                                -j.d salinger



there are just those sublime moments when you realize you dont really need anyone.

what was i wasting all this time for, troubling myself over something i can't control? why should i be the one losing sleep when the person in context roams through our school corridors carefree and smiling? 

honestly, i just feel really vague.
it's not an emotion, i know, but sometimes i feel like that little snail trying to crawl on asphalt and that's not an emotion either.
anything can be anything. people should look into that concept with a lot more depth.

but as i was saying, time passes. just a few posts ago (in april) i was nearly broken over someone and two months later it's all better. maybe this time around it won't take that long (i'm hoping my heart cooperates).

i'm being vague.

i haven't been doing much lately. i've barely been looking up during class. i've barely been coming out of my room at home. i've barely been functional and it's a wonder how i've managed to show up at school every day for the past three weeks.

i'm meeting my new therapist for the first time in august. the appointment was supposed to be at the end of this month but i chickened out and postponed it. it's scary; having to open up to a new person, let alone an adult, after getting accustomed to your previous therapist after a while.

i guess these kinda things happen though.

i didn't really put a lot of effort into writing this. i haven't put a lot of effort into anything for a while; i've tried but i ended up in a worse state than before.

i'm being vague again.
i should work on that.