theorems.

"from an inconsistent equation, you can prove whatever you want to''
                                                                            -my deeply philosophical math teacher







i'm writing this while lexapro is taking its effect on me but hey, strike while the iron's hot.

so in class we proved what an inconsistent equation really is because apparently, 2 is not equal to 1 and our math reader deemed it necessary to inform us of that. it was a good half an hour of scribbling words onto my palms.

things don't work out the way you want them to. sometimes there's a 2 on the left side of the equality and a 1 on the other. sometimes a quadratic polynomial comes into the picture and you're left trying to push all the square roots on one side and finding a common factor within the rest of the terms.

sometimes there is no common factor.
sometimes the square roots prevent that.
sometimes all that you get on the other side of the equality is irrational and there's nothing you can do about that.

irrationality can't be prevented.
not when it comes to the coldest, hardest facts in the world; numbers.

im not sure what happened with us. maybe i was the pesky non-perfect square and you were that mysterious variable that is needed to be solved in order to make sense of the entire system. maybe two unequal terms were on opposite sides.
maybe the other side was irrational.

maybe we were an inconsistent equation. 

platonic.

"you only understand the value of love when it comes in wallets"
                                                                                                   -my economics teacher





i did something terrible. i don't know how to reverse it though.
but i don't regret it. maybe i regret enough to know it's wrong but not so much that i want to stop it.
thing is, something this simple hasn't made me this happy in a year. i'm not gonna take that away for myself.


guilt is my least favorite feeling. i feel ashamed for things i shouldn't be ashamed for. for things i feel guilty for, i usually abandon it after a while.
but this thing in particular?
i don't think so.

i sound like a blubbering mess, i feel like a blubbering mess. i've been coughing so hard it's like my throat has been shredded to a million pieces. i've had friends yell at me for things i actually wanted.
but i've been drinking 3 liters of water per day so that's a plus.

i'm gonna stay home tomorrow so i have time to re-evaluate exactly what i'm doing.
i'm kind of lost right now
but i guess the only kind of guidance that will really help is gonna be from myself.













note; 10.11.18; it's white eyelash. but it turns out fine. 

orator.

''that is life; to begin again when everything is lost''   
                                                                                      a.j. cronin





i came upon that quote while researching for a ppt- which i have to present tomorrow and i still haven't memorized the material i'm supposed to present, instead i'm writing an inconsequential blogpost that won't do anything but bolster the pretentious side of me and trick me into thinking i'm actually quite deep and philosophical when i'm really not.
all i am is miserable.

and i know that but i still can't do anything to turn that around.

i've been doing things that are supposed to make me happier these past few days. i said something to people that i've been wanting to say for around five years now. i cleared things with some other people that needed to be cleared.
i guess i'm getting closer to 'living my own truth', even though i'm still not clear on that concept.

tables and chairs.

"the opposite of courage in our society is not cowardice, it is conformity''
                                                                                                                   -rollo may





i was watching a video about 'living your truth' a few days ago and i've been thinking about it a lot.
if i ever want to be content, living my truth seems like a pretty important step.

the only thing is, i'm pretty much a coward when it comes to self-expression. i have absolutely none.
i want to believe it's just because i'm a teen but it seems as if everyone else is comfortable in their own skin. they walk around freely while i think twice before making a single move. their personalities are blaring while i barely even have one.

i didn't understand what living your truth meant at first and i probably still don't understand it.
but i know i need to stop hiding so many things about me.
im not brave enough for it yet but maybe in a few years.

premonition.

"as long as you live, there's always something waiting; and even if it's bad, and you know it's bad, what can you do? you can't stop living."
                                                                   -truman capote





you know how in voting there's a 'none of the above' option. i wish there was something like that when it came to doing things.

10th grade starts tomorrow.
am i scared? maybe.
will i stay up late worrying? possibly.

homeschooling would be a valid option if my education system supported it. i guess it doesn't or i'd have done that ages ago. i probably have to face this year as well, just like i've been doing all this while.

gets tiring sometimes.

its been four bad years and this year is important.
lets hope this unlucky spell ends this year.

the shallow side.

"i don't fear death so much as i fear its prologues''
                                                                              -mary roach



yesterday i was asked about my deepest fear and i hit a wall. i deflected the question but it's been bothering me for a while.

to be fair, death never was a fear of mine.
my fear is pretty mundane.

i sleep with a switched on table lamp covered with two towels. i close the door so i don't have to see the masks decorated outside the room. i keep my blanket bunched up over my head so i don't have to see the two large mirrors and two other masks in the room.

at least i'm replacing one mirror.

it isn't my deepest fear though. episodes of horror shows where a demon hides within a mirror are burnt into the back of my mind but it still doesn't make my fingertips go numb.

the thought that i won't ever be content probably does.
happy? maybe.
but being content is something not many people are.

pickets.

''gravity differs from affection.

only one is constant.''

they say if you find a source of gravity large enough, it bends space and time. 

or so, time travel becomes possible. 

i want the past back; to be able to go places, see people, exist in itself, without wondering what happens next. 

i don't know if this can stay, i don't know if i will. 

but i can no more alter time than i can alter gravity.